As I walked fully covered with my hospital PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) along the hallway, I saw a nurse wearing the same attire in the other ward waving eagerly at me through the glass door. I stopped in my tracks and tried my hardest to identify this colleague from afar.
Who is she? How could she recognize me on a head-to-toe gear while I couldn’t do the same? Was it me that she was saying hi to? As I failed to respond enthusiastically the way I used to, that other nurse stopped waving and signaled her hand as if saying, “Oh never mind!” She walked away and was gone. I shrugged my shoulders and thought that these layers of PPE did not only make us sweatier, it also made our identities more obscure.
Aside from these petty and sometimes humorous observations, this stressful time of the COVID-19 pandemic has made each day that comes stressful and uncertain. How many more will be affected? How many more will come to the hospital? How often will I be assigned to the isolation wards with patients having the virus? As the number of people affected with the disease increases, more health care workers and hospital facilities are needed to accommodate them.
In short, nurses are pulled out from their respective areas to work in isolation wards to take care of patients with Coronavirus. A nurse from the operating theatre can simply be pulled out to work in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). An ICU nurse who is commonly assigned with a maximum of one to two patients now has to handle three or more. An emergency room nurse’s skills get extremely tested as more patients showing respiratory symptoms rush in from everywhere.
This is happening in numerous hospitals around the world, not just in my workplace. As a ward nurse who is used to render care for women after they give birth, I also had to adjust myself every time I’m assigned into a ward that accommodates COVID-19 positive patients, including male ones, which is quite a new experience to me. For ten straight years, given the area I’m in, all of my patients have been women. The last time I handled male patients with medical or surgical cases was when I was a trainee in my previous hospital.
This just proves that the pandemic has made all of us work outside our comfort zones. Most people working in the healthcare field are challenged to fight thru this, even if their life is at risk. In the international news, we get to hear alarming stories of doctors and nurses acquiring the illness and even lost their lives along the way. Sadly, some of them happen to be someone I personally know.
As the death toll rises, worry sometimes sinks in. But looking at my colleagues, I could see them moving forward, displaying that courage and vigor despite this unimaginable crisis.
What frontliners really think about?
Although there is that spirit of heroism that people often see in us as frontliners, you might be wondering what really goes on in our minds. What are our frustrations? How do we psych ourselves up in dealing with this? What does this pandemic make of us? Just keep in mind that every nurse, doctor, or health care staff has his or her own ways of coping up with this. What I’m about to share with you is my personal point of view based on my own observation. If you are a health care worker like me, I hope that what I have written makes an agreeable representation of what you think and feel as well.
First, let’s talk about exhaustion.
Some might say, “It must be tiring for you, nurses, doctors, and other hospital staff.” Who isn’t tired of all this? There is no cure yet. We are only at the level of managing the symptoms. While there are reported recoveries and while some countries have successfully flattened the curve, the rest is still in an ongoing battle. The dynamics in the hospital have temporarily changed. Today you can be staying in your regular ward. Tomorrow you really do not know where you’ll be assigned. It feels as though we nurses are being tossed in this and that direction depending on where the shortage is. We can see how pressured our in-charges and supervisors are in making the decision on the fair distribution of staff. The constant changes in schedule and the unpredictability on which area we will be assigned per shift always keep us on our toes. Encountering these scenarios almost every day of our working life during this time can be so dreadful, but we are left with no choice but to make the necessary adjustment.
The layers of PPE, though they serve as protection, can also feel like insulators. Oh, we’re perspiring underneath that! I could just imagine those working in hospitals with malfunctioning air-conditioners or none at all (like in some hospitals in the Philippines and other third world countries). As if that were not enough, PPEs have also become short in supply in a large number of facilities in many areas, first world countries included.
This current situation here abroad and in different corners of the world unquestionably tests our grit, stamina, and resilience as nurses.
Second, there’s the question on fear.
I get afraid too. One wrong move and all the efforts, dreams, and aspirations can turn into dust. Isn’t it puzzling how a minuscule protein-covered spike of a creature can cause so much devastation and terror on this planet? It’s quite odd that we’re frightened by something we don’t even see. But even if it scares the crap out of me, I did not allow it to paralyze me. Instead of panicking, which often leads to disastrous results, I just made sure that I wore my protective gears the right way.
Minutes before entering a patient’s room, I make some positive self-talk such as “I can do this!” or “this is temporary”. This boosts me up. To combat fear, I pull the focus away from me. I create this briefing to myself that these sick people need my care, and so it is then my responsibility to be at my best every time I face them. Empathy has, instead of making me soft and sensitive, made me stronger than usual, because these patients necessitate a nurse who is mentally and emotionally ready to manage this ordeal that they are in.
Fear that is not overcome can cloud judgment and vision and will show through actions that bring no sensible contribution to anyone at all. Although it may seem easier said than done, a lot of mental preparation is required of me.
But it’s not just the mind that needs to be conditioned. The body needs it too. It’s a crucial matter.
How then, amidst the fear and exhaustion can I win over physically?
Let’s move on to how I take charge of my health. In the last quarter of 2019, I had Herpes-Zoster, a viral disease manifested via skin rash. Had my immune system been strong at that time, I would have been free from that. My low immunity, I believe, went downhill because I allowed the negative circumstances to seep in, spiraling me down to neglect my overall health and well-being. I stopped giving the utmost care my body deserves. It was only at that time when I visited the doctor and found out that my polycystic ovaries are the ones causing me some intolerable mood swings. My doctor told me to shape up, or I suffer the consequences.
Fast forward to this day with the full awareness of my recent history of a low immune system plus hormonal imbalance, I knew that I need to double my effort if I want to achieve victory on this. I may have all these masks, goggles, head caps, gowns, and gloves. I may properly practice contact, droplet, and airborne precautions, but undeniably, my greatest weapon is my strong immune system. I had to change my lifestyle, especially with my food intake. The oranges have never been this precious. I even purchased Manuka honey, a minimally-processed (compared to the regular honey which is filtered and pasteurized), nutrient-filled goodness produce from New Zealand. Thanks to my parents who never ended the conversation without demanding me to buy it. Although it’s quite expensive, I just considered that I can never compromise my health and investing in healthy food isn’t such a lame idea after all. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Vitamin C seems to be the latest addiction nowadays.
I became more vigilant in taking care of myself by making sure that I get enough rest and sleep, and tried not doing everything at the same time just for the sake of wanting to be productive. Slowing down and taking time to reset and recharge is what we need sometimes. In doing so, I will be able to function more in my job so that I could give more, without sacrificing my health.
A failing body is out of the equation.
Now, let’s talk about the patients.
You might be asking, “How are they?” Working in the regular ward, most of the COVID-19 positive patients I have handled are generally stable. They may have fever, cough, or other signs and symptoms occasionally, but they walk and talk just like a regular patient. The problem is that there is an exceedingly thin line between a patient’s chance to recovery and the possibility to succumb to all the respiratory complications in a matter of hours that could send them straight to the Intensive Care Unit.
On the first few days that I was assigned to the isolation wards, my heart just sank. I got introduced to the fact that I can only greet them warmly and do my nursing interventions the way I should, in a limited time. The language barrier, my appearance in full PPE, and the precautionary measures make me feel as if my nursing care is mechanical, but I could not go further than that. What makes the situation more desolating is that there are no relatives or family members to provide physical and emotional support to the patient. It is heartbreaking to admit that the isolation of these patients is not only physical but emotional as well. Although we have these phones and the Internet to allow them to communicate with their loved ones, it is still incomparable to actually having their family stay beside them. Witnessing this, I would often catch myself uttering, “I hope this all ends soon and that everything will return to normal.”
We can all pray and hope.
These days, I would often catch myself sharing my sentiments with my mom and she would reply, “I cannot help but worry about you and so I turn to prayer, and it helps me a lot. I pray that God will protect you. But just like before Anak, continue to pray and work hard.” I couldn’t agree more with that.
We have this motto at home that we abide by every day.
Ora et labora. In English, it means to pray and work – and we should observe them daily. In my life as a nurse, prayer plays a principal role. When I feel exhausted in my job or when my patient is in an unstable condition, I say my prayers. Before I start my shift, I silently pray. I seek guidance to always do what is right because I know very well that my skills and capacity belong to my Creator. I could simply not do this alone. My mom also used to tell me that if I am feeling wretched or knocked down, I could offer it through prayer, that my sadness or suffering could uplift or benefit someone out there.
Prayer helps me remain steadfast despite the hardships and the stresses of my work life in the hospital. I guess that this is the best time to lean to our faith without resting on our laurels.
Net Javier
But, alongside that faith I have in me, there is this one aspect of my life that motivates me to move further in my daily life as a frontliner, and that is your relentless support.
Your cheers online and offline don’t fall on deaf ears, at least not for me. This is the last but definitely the least that I want to talk about.
We just want to let you know that we appreciate it! Talking about gratitude, when a patient expresses how thankful she is with the kind of care she received from me, it makes me feel like I left a significant mark on someone’s life. That means the effort I have given has paid off. In reality, this kind of scenario doesn’t happen as frequently as I expect, and I have learned to accept that reality. A lot of my care will not always be reciprocated with a warm smile or a light-hearted “thank you”. No fuss. I just simply did what I had to do.
But recently, the internet has been filled with admiration and honor towards health care workers. Ironically in the past decades or centuries, most of the applause is given to the rich, popular, and powerful. Not much noise or gravity pertained to the silent workers, such as the nurses, until this pandemic came. Just to let you know, the encouraging words we hear and see from you give us that fire to step up and show ourselves every day in the health care arena. We truly appreciate that you recognize us as heroes in this battle, although most if not all, will only answer back, “It’s just part of our job.” My hope is that one day, once our nations are over this warfare, your appreciation for those working in the health care industry will stay perpetually, as we render our service in one of your ordinary days in the hospital.
There you have it. They’re just a few of a thousand perspectives that nurses can impart with you. I want to sigh in relief knowing that I was able to share with you the thoughts that linger in our heads as health care providers in this time of the pandemic. Just keep in mind, fear may be a natural instinct to every human being, but we in this industry promise you that we won’t allow these negative thoughts to stop us from rendering our service. And since we are not over yet this struggle, we will continue to use all the arsenals available to protect ourselves so that we can continuously provide the care that you deserve.
Let’s all hold on to our faith that a new drug or vaccine will be soon be manufactured so that those afflicted may recover and survive. Pray for us in the front line, that we may help our patients victoriously conquer this disease, and that we may serve as a blessing and cure to anyone we come across with. And while we are grateful that you comply with the policies such as staying at home and practicing social distancing, we just want to say thank you for the kind words you impart on us.
I also hope that you will carry on with your donations and contributions of whatever resources that you have no matter how small you think they are. You don’t have to be a front-liner to be called a hero. You can be one in your own humble way.
To all my family, friends, colleagues, and other people dear to my heart, the best gift I can receive from you is knowing that you are all safe and healthy. We’ll party soon!
We are all in this together. We can make it. Keep holding on!
